Why many people feel empty after sex

“A feeling is a localized neuropsychologic sensation of the skin, body, or brain thoughts…cognitive, conscious, thinking. An emotion is a total body’s biological response, a biochemical response of your adrenals and other hormonal producing organs of the body. The chemistry that is poured out of these organs affect every part of the body.”

Many do not even know there is a difference between feelings and emotions. We use the words interchangeably. In European languages, there’s only one word to convey the concept. It was necessary for me to redefine the two words. This has made a great difference. It has helped immeasurably in understanding what people say. For the present, suffice to say that to me a feeling is a localized neuropsychologic sensation of the skin, body, or brain thoughts…cognitive, conscious, thinking. If you pinch someone’s arm, that’s a painful feeling, not an emotion. If you continue to pinch the person’s arm s/he will develop an angry emotion. If the person is smaller or weaker than you or feels very entitled s/he will develop a fearful emotion.

An emotion is a total body’s biological response. An emotion is a biochemical response of your adrenals and other hormonal producing organs of the body. The chemistry that is poured out of these organs affect every part of the body.

Due to the confusion between intellectual – sensory feeling, and the biochemical emotional response of the whole body, many people do not even know they are missing something. They are existing but not living.

Tragically many people do not even know how to enjoy nature’s briefest but intensive pleasure: sex in a loving bondedness. More tragically they do not even know they are missing anything. Many have gotten sex down to three minutes; during the commercial intermission on television. “Hurry up the movie is about to start.” Or the opposite, “Why did you come so soon, the show won’t go on for another minute.” Or, “Take all the time you want, I can see the picture on the TV. I’ll fill you in on what you missed.”

I hope you are not one of those in the above paragraph. But if you have been sleeping with someone for a period of time, chances are, you are. I hope you are not.

But are you one of the following? If you are, write it down.

Many people, especially women, do not have an orgasm. If you are one of them, I have something for you later on, but read on, this article might help. If either one of the partners habitually are not orgasmic, there are two biological needs not being met by one of them, and one biological need not being met by the other.

Twenty-five percent of the potential pleasure of “lovemaking” will not sustain a happy relationship. If all one received in school was 25 percent, one would not last long in school either. But most people who drop out of school are not stupid, they are ignorant of the subject matter. No one taught them correctly, or they were too blocked to learn. The same is true of sex and bonding, and also love and marriage.

Many people feel empty even after the orgasm. Many people after sex get out of bed and eat something. Or worse still (to nonsmokers), they get up and smoke a cigarette; or they have to have a drink, water, or whiskey, or they get up and read the papers, magazines, or books. Or they change the subject because what they feel after “lovemaking” is not pleasant or it may be downright uncomfortable. They ask their partner, “Who won the ballgame today?” Or, “What is the weather going to be like tomorrow?” Or, “What do you want to do next Sunday?” Or they just have to get out of bed and walk around. They become aware that the kitchen needs cleaning and they have a tremendous need to clean the kitchen. Or they decide to clean the whole house, or the car, fence, lawn, etc. They are trying to constructively discharge tension that they are only barely aware of, or totally unaware they have. Now that sex is over they do not want to be touched. They find an excuse to go home early if they are not living together. Or they secretly wish they could be alone, or have their own home to go to. Or they turn over and move over to their side of the bed. Without further ado, they go to sleep, without even touching. If you and/or your partner do these things as a pattern, one or both of you don’t know about the significance of bonding and the pleasure you were missing. If only one of you are turned off too it, both of you will suffer. The one who is not emotionally narcotized will suffer the most by far. Emotionally turned off people, like dead people, cannot sustain an emotionally pleasurable relationship. All things considered, like dead people, they do not hurt too much; emotionally, that is. They usually end up getting high blood pressure and coronaries. You can fool your mate. You can fool yourself. But you cannot fool mother nature.

It is important to remember that the basic motivation of all emotion is the total body response to the fulfillment, nonfulfillment, or over fulfillment of our biological needs. Not enough is painful, too much can be painful. Even sex is not an exception.

This reminds me of another story:

An old Italian man was hitchhiking on a dusty country Road 50 km from Rome. With him was a young girl not more than 15 or 16. They hitched in vain for over two hours on the sparsely traveled road. Finally, an old truck ambled toward them and stopped. “Where are you going?” the young man in the truck asked. “To Roma”, the old man answered. “Good, get in, I’m going there directly, no stops.” At this point the old man takes out an old pistol that he hid under his belt. “Get out of the truck,” he said, brandishing the gun. The young truck man obeyed with his hands in the air. “Now drop your pants,” said the old man moving the gun slightly from side to side. The driver started to speak, but the old man cut him off saying, “drop your pants, or I’ll shoot.” “OK, OK, don’t shoot”, said the driver as he dropped his pants. “Now masturbate”, said the old man. “What!” exclaimed the driver. “Masturbate, or you are dead.” “Okay,” said the young man. And he did to orgasm. “Again,” screamed the old man. “What?” The driver said in disbelief. “Again!” or you are dead. Again, the driver obeyed. This went on for seven orgasms. Each time it was more and more difficult for the young man who by this time was sitting, sometimes lying on the ground. After the seventh orgasm which was obviously mixed with a great deal of pain, the old man said “Again.” The young man looked at him and said “I can’t.” “Again, or I shoot,” said the old man cocking the trigger. “I can’t, I just can’t,” said the young man. “Again, this is the last time I’m going to tell you. Again, or I shoot.” “Shoot, I have nothing more. Shoot, shoot, get it over with.” At this point the old man put away his gun and turning to the pretty teenage girl said, “It is safe now granddaughter. This young man will not bother you if you drive with him to visit grandma without me.”

How many times do we find ourselves in pain because we do not know when we had enough, too much, or not enough. Or when we cannot or do not recognize the needs or the people we are with. Or when they do not recognize our needs. Do you feel entitled to say, “I want more,” or, “It is enough for now.” Or, just as important, do you know when you have not had enough or too much?

Fortunately for us, our culture has fulfilled the biological needs of its inhabitants better than any other culture past or present. That is, every biological need but one. And for that one we must be close to the bottom in cultural fulfillment. That one, of course is bonding. Tragically, unlike food, water, urination or defecation, we do not recognize the symptoms of the deprivation of bonding because we have never been taught it. When we had symptoms of the deprivation, we thought it was a sickness.

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